Dear Dark Horse,
Now, while you have both Star Wars and Conan, you should really do this as a cross-over. And Tim Truman should do the art!!
CONAN VS. BOBA FETT
A Five Issue Limited Series
In the tradition of the great WHAT IF?! issues like “Conan Battles Thor” and “Conan Vs. Wolverine”—A crossover for the ages! Conan squares off against the most ruthless bounty hunter in the galaxy, in a knock-down, drag-out fight that spans the Star Wars Universe.
– Conan wanders a barren desert, looking ragged and weak, after Natohk the Veiled One conjured a magical sandstorm and now he is lost. There are two suns, so he can’t navigate normally. Boba Fett’s ship, Slave 1, flies overhead, giving him a direction.
– Conan sees Jabba’s palace in the distance. He doesn’t recognize it, but we certainly do.
– Cut to: Inside Jabba’s Palace, the ship-port, Fett is unloading “Frozen” Han Solo off his ship. He walks Solo to the throne room to get his money from Jabba, who couldn’t be more pleased. Fett’s buddies take him to get drunk, to celebrate “one of the biggest bounty’s ever.”
– Conan stands at the outside doors of the palace. A little mechanical eye pops out and looks him over. He cuts it off immediately, taking it as a threat. The doors open and he is surrounded by pig-guards. Conan fights some of them off, but he has been weakened by his trek through the desert and they have the numbers, so they subdue him.
– Sitting at a table near the Frozen Han Solo are Boba Fett, Amanaman, and Dengar. “Jabba really does get the best bands, doesn’t he? I’ve never even heard of these guys, but they’re really great!”
-The pig-guards take Conan before Jabba. Conan is confused by all the aliens and technology that he’s seeing (but he does like the slave-women).
– Conan is about to be dropped into the rancor pit, but grabs hold of a slave girl’s chain. He makes his escape, in the process throwing a drunk Boba Fett at Jabba.
– Conan makes it up to the port, where all the starships are parked. CANE ADISS, a smuggler, is there getting his ship worked on by Klatuu. Conan is being pursued by Jabba’s guards, so he threatens the smuggler to get a ride.
– The ship takes some blaster hits as it takes off.
– Conan has never been in a super-fast ship before, so his reaction to the speed should be fun.
– But they’re not going to make it far, since the ship is damaged. The ship starts to go down in the red mountains.
– Cut to: Jabba declares a big bounty on Conan. Fett has his head down, too much to drink.
– In the mountains, Cane gets pinned in the crash wreckage. Conan helps to free him.
– Conan laments his fate. The smuggler tells him of magic users known as Jedi, and one in particular named Skywalker, maybe he can help Conan get back home. We see that they are being watched by Sandpeople.
– Boba Fett is standing next to his bike. He warns the other bounty hunters to “stay off the trail if you know what’s good for ya’. This one’s mine.” He zooms off on his bike. “How much of a head-start do we give him?” “$200,000 bounty on this guy, I’d say not much.”
– “In the red clay mountains, we faced a horde of Sandpeople.”
– “Crossing the Dune Sea, we passed the Great Pit of Carkoon, and barely avoided the SARLACC.”
– “Conan managed to hunt and kill a sandworm. It made for a decent meal.”
– Finally, they make it to the spaceport town of Mos Eisley. The smuggler takes them straight to the cantina where he buys them a few drinks. The smuggler is ready to leave Conan, but Conan convinces him to help. And Cane realizes Conan’s sword might be worth a fortune to a fellow smuggler and antiques dealer named Grendu.
– Boba Fett follows their trail. He’s at the crash-site, looking for a direction in which they walked.
– Then Boba finds the remains of some Sandpeople.
– The other bounty hunters are secretly following Boba, though keeping a safe distance back.
– Cane gets info from the bartender about the rebel base on Hoth, “But if he knows about it then the Empire knows about it. So there may be nothing left to find.” “Where is this Hoth, and how do we get there?” “I guess we’re going to have to buy a new ship.”
– Boba rides into town on his bike. He immediately goes to the cantina. He questions the bartender, who is only a little helpful. Cross-cut with smuggler and Conan buying a little space ship.
– Boba runs to the space port just as their ship is taking off.
– On the spaceship, the smuggler tells Conan that Hoth will be a long trip and that he might as well sleep. But Conan is amazed at what he’s looking at (space) that there’s no way he can sleep.
– Boba, in Slave 1, is following them.
– In Dengar’s ship, the bounty hunters have a tracer on Slave 1 and are trailing way behind. “Are you sure he can’t see us on his sensors?”
– On Hoth, they fly over the remains of some fallen At-At’s, towards the mostly destroyed rebel base.
– They get out of their ship and walk through the abandoned rebel base, looking for a clue as to where to go next. “It’s so c-c-c-cold.” So Conan kills and skins a tantan real quick, to make a couple of fur coats. “These beasts truly have a wicked stench!”
– Boba Fett is sneaking up on them, with his wrist gauntlet up, about to shoot a net at them.
– Conan sees Boba’s shadow and jumps out of the way and tries to knock Cane out of the way. The net gets the smuggler, but Conan has disappeared. Boba standing by the smuggler, explaning that he will probably get some money from Jabba for “the accomplice”.
– Conan launches an attack. The fight is just getting going when the other bounty hunters show up.
– Big action as Conan and Boba fight alongside each other against the other bounty hunters. They split up, Conan frees Cane and takes on Bossk. While Boba is busy with the Dengar and Amanaman.
– Conan knocks Bossk out and then throws him over his shoulder.
– Conan and smuggler run to their ship. They get away as Boba finishes dealing with the other two guys.
– Sometime later, Conan psychologically tortures Bossk. “Last I heard, Skywalker was in Bespin’s Cloud City, right before the Empire took over.”
-Conan in Cloud City (civilization). Cane is risking his life for Conan, but by now Conan has saved his life countless times. “But it’s my fault, every danger you’ve encountered these past days-”. “Don’t talk me out of helping you.”
-Boba knows where they are going and gets there first. He’s waiting in the clouds. How can they evade his ship? They can’t, Boba forces them to land, but they use an escape pod instead.
-They shoot right through a building, to the hollow, windy core. Conan saves them from falling into the abyss.
– Cane’s ship auto-pilots to deck.
– Boba follows their trail through the building, using his backpack.
– Conan gets the drop on Boba, grabs him out of the air as he’s coming out of small shaft, and redirects him into a u-turn back into a wall.
– Boba’s limp body falls through the wind tube, he regains consciousness just in the nick of time.
– Walking through Cloud City, most of the population enslaved.
– They need to access the computers, so they’ll need help.
– They hear a woman screaming as her children are being taken away. Conan charges in and helps the woman by quickly knocking out the stormtropers. They hide inside her apartment. She offers to “thank” Conan (sexually), right there in front of the kids. Conan refuses (“maybe later”) and asks for her help with the security computer.
– Her R2 unit leads them to a computer terminal. And the droid learns about the x-wing.
– Boba is in the computer system as well, looking for them.
– They get to Luke’s X-wing, sitting in storage. Cane uses a tool to scape some dirt and grime off the X-wing’s landing gear. “This is an old smuggler’s trick. When you wanted to know a fellow smuggler’s route, this is how you found out.”
– Just as they get the sample, Stormtroopers are shooting at them. Conan takes them out by throwing his sword, then charging at them, pulling his sword out of the dead stormtrooper.
– Boba is too late to get to the X-wing, they’re already gone, leaving only bodies. But Boba looks at the X-wing’s landing gear, as if he knows the same trick.
– They get back to their ship, past a final few stormtroopers standing guard.
– In the cockpit, Cane talks about how he’s been a lot of places, “but I can’t say as I’ve ever been to the Dagobah System”.
– The Dagobah system. Conan, with Cane, fighting the elements, looking for Luke.
– Boba hunts through the swamps for them, really pissed off.
– Conan wanders through the fragrant flowers that affect him like LSD, he’s tripping hard. Sees his father and death!
– Boba attacks as Conan tries to regain his senses, but the environment is much more of a hindrance to Boba, all the water and mud gums up his tech.
-With his helmet cracked, the LSD flower affects Boba too.
– Their ship sneaks past the new Death Star, to the moon of Endor.
– Conan vs. Boba in the forest, for eight pages. It’s brutal and amazing!! This is the fight we’ve waited for!!
– Then they crash through an Ewok village. The tribe’s shamen is pissed. Quickly, while they are surrounded by two dozen angry ewoks with spears, the shaman grabs a few strands of Conan’s hair, and a piece of Boba’s armor (the antenea). He says a magic spell (“Back to whence you came”).
Last two pages:
– Conan back home, wandering the dessert but he recognizes the sky. He’s happy to be home, unsure if it was all just a dream.
– Boba wakes up in Jabba’s palace, on top of the passed out singer, lipstick all over his helmet. Everybody in the place is passed out. “Ughh, what am I doing with my life…?”
– Cane Adiss is left by himself in the forest of Endor, surrounded by Ewoks